For some reason the last few days haven’t been the best. I really can’t put my finger on what exactly is causing this slump, but I’ve been sensitive and tired and grumpy and simply just a pain. I’m sure the fact that we are coming off a two week binge of traveling and starting back at work have something to do with it, but it feels like more.
Maybe it’s the fact that our house is a mess. Imagine laundry piled to the ceiling, dishes on dishes on dishes, an unmade bed, half emptied suitcases, and I shamefully admit that…the Christmas tree… is… still… UP. Yes, yes. I know it’s January 15th. As in, we’re halfway through the first month of January. And it’s been 22 days since Christmas. I’m sure this “Wife No-No” is so unimaginable for you wonderful wives out there who have had Christmas decorations tucked away (in that neatly organized closet only meant for decorations) for weeks, and of course your adorable Target Valentine’s Day decor is already up and placed throughout your house so effortlessly. But as for me and my house…
The tree is still up.
And the bags are still packed. The bed is not made. The dishes aren’t clean. The laundry is still dirty.
Or maybe I’m in such a wretched mood because despite my strong desire to eat healthy and exercise, I still choose to eat Taco Bell (because loaded grillers) and sit on the couch (because Newsroom). I know about a month ago I vowed that we were on this Hahn-made plan to get ourselves back on track, but y’all know how life goes. We really did try to stick to our Psalm reading, weekly workouts, and quiet time with God, and we’ve succeeded a lot of days, but here lately not so much. Let me be clear though, I’m speaking for myself, not my husband. He’s pretty legit as far as commitment goes. I’m the one with a following through problem.
Or maybe it’s just all in my head. I possibly can’t be the only one who gets stuck in their mind. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my thoughts that anything on the outside is too overwhelming for me. It happens to me when I’m in the car for too long. On particular days, if I drive for too long on my own without talking to anyone, I get stuck in my head. I think through everything. What I ate that day. How that friend treated me. What can I Instagram today. Why am I not put together like “everyone” else. Should I get back on Twitter. I hate this song. Why am I still listening to this song. I miss my family. I miss my friends. College was fun. Real life is hard. What should I make for dinner. Literally, anything and everything I can think about, I do, and when I spend too much time dwelling in my own mind, I become restless.
As I’m re-reading the paragraph above, I don’t even know if it makes sense to you. But I’m going to leave it anyway.
However, as I flesh all of these thoughts out for you
poor people to read, I’m coming to a conclusion. Maybe my bad attitude and dumpy feelings have nothing to do with how much we’ve traveled, or our unmade bed, or the amount of Netflix I’ve watched. Maybe the Taco Bell tacos (that aren’t really tacos) don’t make me grumpy and the drive to get them doesn’t cause my over-sensitivity. Sure, traveling can make a person tired, unhealthy eating definitely affects the body negatively, and chores left undone can become overwhelming – but I think there’s an underlying thread to tie all of this up with.
Maybe it’s my time. Or rather, how I spend my time. While we’ve been traveling and working and visiting and Netflix-ing, I haven’t been praying and studying and meditating and being with Jesus. I mentioned last week that a lot of other things have gotten in the way of the One thing that matters most. And I think then I was softening to the idea that I often let busyness flood my schedule before letting Him flood my heart. I just hadn’t broken through that wall of pride to admit that I truly needed to refocus. I’m ready to admit that now.
A really awesome and totally wise woman in my life once told me that “Busyness is a myth.” Basically meaning that we make time for what we make time for. Whatever is a priority will always get done. My time praying, studying, meditating, and being with Jesus is obviously not a priority to me right now because it is not getting done. That hurts even to write it out to just myself, let alone publish it.
I don’t claim to have it all together. I don’t claim a daily routine of quiet time. I don’t even claim that I have any clue what this blog is about. Because I don’t have it all together, I don’t daily sit with the Lord, and I’m definitely not one of those bloggers who have posts scheduled weeks in advance. I’m a messy, struggling, honest, hardworking, confused woman who is loved and accepted by Jesus Christ. He loves me so much, He died for me. He cares about me so much that He hears me when I pray. He gives me comfort and peace and joy. But far too often, I let the “busyness” of life get in the way, and instead I’m left in these grouchy, unpleasant to be around, agitated moods.
I think I needed this post to talk out my thoughts. I hope you’re okay with that. Who knows, maybe you find yourself in the words on the screen. Maybe you understand what I’m going through (at which you can leave a girl some love).
Through all this thinking and writing and figuring out, I’m reminded of such solid truth. I don’t want busyness to be the myth of my life, when the goodness of the Lord can be the truth of my life.
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold[a] of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet[b] I will be confident.
One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire[c] in his temple.
For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, “Seek[d] my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”[e]
Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
I believe[f] that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!